I had to write a paper for extra credit for my psychology class. It really made me think a lot involving my past, so I figured I’d put it in here so I wouldn’t forget.

I think that the self-actualization theories defiantly appeal to me more than Freud’s theories. Carl Rogers studied humanistic approaches that determine how people are able to stay true to themselves and formulate a moral fiber according to their personal beliefs. Carl Rogers believed that people truly want to reach the point in their life when they are the best person they can possibly be and that all of us have a natural drive of affirmation. I know that I constantly need positive affirmation from mainly people who are close to me. This is a huge reason why conditions of worth played a major role in my life, primarily when I hit junior high and high school. After my sister and I had to stop figure skating competitively, I wanted to be involved in team sports in my earlier youth. My parents both supported it, my mother did because she came from a sports background and my dad was my coach. As the years continued, the idea seemed to be fine for a while, but I began to find other passions that I liked to conduct myself in. I was tired of being known as the athlete. I felt as though this was all I was good for, when I knew differently in my own heart. I began participating in more liberal arts activities such as concert choir, show choir, and even playing my guitar became more important to me than sports because it was an emotional outlet from difficult times in my life, such as my parent’s divorce. This is where my mother and I ran into major conflicts. When I participated in these things, I never got the support from her that I truly wanted, which makes me, to this day, self conscious about allowing people to watch me play guitar, sing, or even sketch. (I’m working on it) I felt as though I had formulated this false face or an identity that I knew I didn’t want to be associated with. Yes, sports were a major part of my life, but I wanted to explore total fulfillment in my life and playing sports was not the answer. I tried quitting one sport in particular, lacrosse, but my mother wouldn’t let me because I was good at it and she didn’t want to see it end. I wasn’t being true to my self by participating in activities that I just didn’t care about. I didn’t want to make her mad, but I wasn’t happy either. My mother and I had countless fights about it and I never won in the end until I reached college. She held everything over my head and would threaten to take everything away if I quit. This made me feel extremely inadequate as an individual. It destroyed part of my high self esteem because I believed that I was only worthwhile if I was playing a sport. 

My mother and I were only alike in some ways, but I never really enjoyed shopping or doing what my sisters did. I preferred being out in the garage with my dad watching him work on his dune buggy (Hahah Aaron I edited it… dumb spell check madness) or shooting basketball outside. What I admire most about my father, regardless of what my family went through with him, was that he always let me be the person I wanted to be. When I wanted to play basketball, he was the one who shot outside with me. I enjoyed playing video games and he would be right next to me asking to join; we had a blast. He helped me buy my first guitar and taught me the very little that he knew about it. (He would always act like he knew what he was doing. ←Hysterical.) Regardless, he always supported me trying new things and finding different outlets. I think this is what makes my dad moving so far away the most difficult for me. The person, who allowed me to explore different things in my life and gave me confidence in doing so, isn’t an active part of my life anymore. I think this is the reason why it is so hard for me to let go of him, while my other siblings didn’t seem to be too affected by it.
Luckily, my mother and I have come to some form of agreement now that I live at college and she is allowing me to do what I want to do. I know she is proud of me no matter what, but it was a very trying time in my life when I felt as though I was simply not good enough in her eyes, even though deep down I knew otherwise.

“So take me as you find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again
I give my life to follow
Everything that I believe in
Now I surrender”

For a long time now, I’ve been putting off this post. I’m not very good at explaining what I want to. In fact, I don’t even know how I’m going to write all of my thoughts down, when I can barely admit it to myself. I guess I’ll attempt.
So this past week has been very trying for me in every way, shape, and form. Lately I’ve been going off of this spiritual high. No single obstacle that was thrown my way could get the best of me. I was standing on the mountain tall and proud. Until the avalanche. It knocked me right back down on my butt once again.

The dumbest little thing knocked me down. It made me SO aggravated and frustrated. More things began to pile up on top of Monday’s events. I felt as though I dug my own hole and was all alone. When I wanted to come back out of it, it was nearly impossible to see the light at the end of that tunnel I dug myself. I didn’t know what to do.
Lets take a few steps backwards. The bottom line is that lately I have been conflicted with the person who I used to be, the person I am now, and the person I want to become. Lately the person am now has been straying backwards to the person who I used to be. I even remember telling Amanda last week how frustrated I felt because I wasn’t able to tell myself the information, wisdom, and guidance she ALWAYS gives me (not that I don’t enjoy it, because I do). Now I realize how WRONG I was to even think this way. One simple letter can completely change your perspective on everything, and that is the letter I. I want to do this and I want to do that. I want to feel this way and I want to do it myself. Myself? When did I start thinking like that since the retreat? I realized that I started thinking this way on Monday. Go figure.
Life got WAY harder. I stopped making God my priority. Everything else seemed to come before Him this week, whether it was grades, stress, or even scheduling. I WASN’T living for Him. I was living for ME. I realized how wrong I was to even think of straying back to my old ways. It was as if God was saying saying to me: *Is this what you want? Fine, have it your way. This is what it is like without me, go ahead and try it ALL by yourself again like you used to. Then lets see how quickly you change your mind.* <- In the nicest way of course.
This is when I realized that it’s okay to get help from other people. God lives through each and every one of us. He will provide you with the proper wisdom through others because He doesn’t want us to suffer. It is one of His ways to communicating with us. Would I have gotten this far in my spiritual growth if I didn’t go to any one else with my questions about God. Ding Ding Ding…you got it right. The answer is NO. I wouldn’t be where I am today without other people, so why am I getting frustrated with not being able to come up with this stuff all on my own. The fact of the matter is that I was selfish in so many ways and I didn’t even realize it. God stripped me of my happiness, my overwhelming joy to kindly remind me that THIS is what it is like to not live for God. This is what you’re left with. Nothing. No self worth at all. The lowest possible feeling on the planet. It’s not that I got a big head about myself, but because I was feeling so great, I would tend to forget about God and proceed with things that I know, because that was all I knew how to do before hand. It was my way of living. It was a bad habit. I didn’t get to this point without God. Why would I even dream of attempting anything on my own anymore? 
I don’t know. Confusion is a very dangerous word to toy around with when it gets to the extreme.
 So here I go attempting to surrender myself once again. The most important thing I learned throughout this entire week was how necessary it is to always trust God. I never lost faith in Him, but I wasn’t fully trusting Him either. I simply wasn’t making Him top priority in my life anymore. When times get hard, sometimes it’s just easier to run away from God because then you don’t have to face yourself. Whether you want to make yourself aware of these burdens or not, you HAVE to give it all to God, no matter HOW MUCH WE ENJOY CONTROLLING OUR OWN LIVES. If we start to take control our lives, we will never be able to learn what God has in store for us and we begin to lose our identity. Patience is a virtue. One must posses it. When I learn how to trust completely and wholeheartedly, I will be able to fully live for God. So working on trust would have to be one of my main goals at this point in my life.
Lastly, I think that this past week also showed me that there will be times when I can’t feel Him as strongly as I used to. He showed me that it ISN’T impossible to climb back out of the hole when I feel as though I’m at my worst. I just have to keep God as my first priority so it won’t be so hard to reach for Him when things seem to bury me deeper and deeper. 

It’s all just a matter of faith.

Have I MENTIONED that I heart outlet?

The human race absolutely perplexes me. Today I’ve really taken notice to things I have merely passed by every day.  Like nature, each individual is so complex in every way, shape and form. Every detail. Every thumb print. Every hair follicle, everything. No two people are the same, but that very fact leads me to the next point. I truly find it fascinating how many different personalities there are, and  the roles that people play in society. Think about it. People react to different situations in different ways, simple because of their personality. This is why I constantly love to listen to knew people’s perspective on things. Simply due to your personality, you may look at something and take something completely different than another person. Each person has experienced a different past and no two people can completely relate to one another due to a number of mysterious phenomenas. It’s simply fascinating. We all have developed or have been gifted with different talents, expectations, and limitations. 
BUT YET!!!!! there is still a connection between all of us. We are all ONE flesh. I find it simply remarkable how people, despite all differences, defying all odds, are STILL are able to relate to one another and find some sort of common ground or respect for another human. We are able to comfort, respect, and most importantly love one another, despite EVERYTHING. 
Yes, this may be harder for some people than others, but deep down, I truly believe it’s within everyone. They just have to be able to look deep enough within themselves to find it. That is the trick.

I first wrote this entry a little while back. It was way back when I really started to somewhat realize that I had faith within me. It was an entry I wrote in a Word document that I dug up again. So I decided to share it with the common good of everyone.
The other day, I came across a new philosophy or realization in life. Oddly it was in the shower, but regardless, it is a very important one to me. Here it is.
So lately I have been rethinking things in my life, actually I’ve been thinking about them a whole lot. One of these things was how I have lost my faith in God over the years. Was it to make my mother mad? Was I trying to be defiant? To this day, I’m not sure exactly what turned me in the other direction, but I think that I am on the right track.
I think many people, like myself, have lost faith in God because of the viewpoint that they choose. I think non-believers see God like I used to. They see the glass half empty; they choose to see all of the bad in the world, and all of the flaws life has to offer. Since he is our heavenly father, people see him much like they would view a father in physical form, but more so a wealthy father. Let me explain. They expect God to fix everything for them in life and have everything handed to them. If God has all of the power in the world, why doesn’t he feed the hungry? Why doesn’t he provide the homeless a place to reside? The list can go on and on. When things don’t work out their way, they blame it on him and believe that everything has to be perfect all the time. They think with the snap of his fingers he should make the world a better place because he has the power to do so. When you think of it this way, you appear to be selfish and an ungrateful person. I do not think that God chooses to use this power at all. I do believe that he does use the power to make each individual find the good within themselves and learn through experience to better them and help other people through their struggles, if they so choose to see that path in their heart. Each trial or trouble you are faced with, there is a lesson to be learned, an obstacle to overcome, and a way to strengthen a person. In what world do we ever have everything is handed to us, or face any struggle easy? There is no such ideal world. You have to work for everything you truly earn. You have to make mistakes, and face tough decisions to help you realize that God is here to teach us, not do everything for us. He is here to show each and every one of us that love can be found everywhere, even when you’re not expecting it. God knows that in everyone’s own good time, they will realize this too. Yes, seeing is believing, but can you see air? Can you physically see the wind? Can you physically see the emotion, love? Can you physically see faith? Can you physically see the people who have passed on? No, but that doesn’t mean they were never there or still are there. You just know you felt them all whether it is either physically in your heart, or spiritually within your soul. God is what a real father should be. Someone who doesn’t make the decisions for you, but let’s you decide on your own what you should do. He tries his best to put things in your life to influence you with love to steer them in the right direction of hope, love, and faith. Even if you don’t respond to his teachings right away, that doesn’t mean he wasn’t there waiting patiently all along to answer your prayers and calls. He was just waiting for you to take that step to grow as a person to be the one to take his hand, because he was reaching out for you all along. I am proud to say that I took his hand and I’m now a believer.

So I decided to write a quick post before my pop music class starts. So here it goes.
This week has been really frustrating and tiring for me. I’m so physically and emotionally drained that I can barely even function. I know my head is clouded right now. I’m trying to gain perspective and I just can’t. There are so many things that are dancing around in my brain. There is so much work to be done. I just feel as though I have nothing to offer and give any one at this point. I know I’m overreacting and over emotional because of this exhaustion. I just feel helpless at the moment. I know it won’t last forever, but I hate feeling it right now. Yesterday and today I’ve kind of felt a little disconnected with God. Zach was right when he said that you feel this way because you are making something else a priority in your life instead of God. I realized that was exactly what I was doing, but sometimes you just can’t help it. It’s only human. The trick is being able to turn it back around as soon as possible before it overwhelms you; before the point of break down. Another trick is having enough faith to carry through. So that’s what I’ve been working on. Taking everything in stride. Taking care of myself. Getting myself more sleep. Letting myself have some free time. Making schedules and lists. Sometimes I don’t even know how I make it from day to day. Trying not to think of the future and what it brings because Albert Einstein says, “I never think of the future, it comes soon enough.” More people should listen to what he has to say. Then again, easier said than done.

I’d like to start off by saying Happy Birthday to Becca Martin (21) and Peeve Robinson (2). (the name of my rabbit, his name is Peeve, as in my “Pet Peeve”)
Now that has been established…
I can’t help but love the amazing spring weather. It makes me feel as though change is on it’s way. I have this feeling that a lot of good things are coming, not only to me, but to others around me as well. I can just feel it. I feel like new opportunities are going to present themselves and make themselves more transparent as the days continue.
I am completely in awe regarding the way nature explicitly presents itself. The spacious, blue, spring sky is full of endless possibilities and wonder. Even at night the majestic sky just baffles my mind. This is why I HATE to sleep. The comfort found within the evening is truly a blessing to me. It allows me time to think and appreciate nature for its true beauty. For example, to me, the moon is like a dear friend that reminds us of ourselves in many ways. It’s a security blanket that lets us know we are never alone and never will be alone. It’s constantly changing, much like ourselves. We all go through those stages in life when we feel much like the moon. When the moon is full, we feel as though we are being the best person we can be. Our spiritual moon beams are casting down upon others and bringing them back into full circle. However sometimes we are like the crescent moon and we feel as though pieces within us are missing. The worst feeling is similar to a complete lunar eclipse when we feel completely lost and alone, but somehow the moon always comes back into full circle. It’s truly a remarkable process from both perspectives. In addition to the moon, the stars each represent little beams of sparkling hope. It makes me think that even at the darkest times, the sky will always have little night lights to guide us almost as though they are like the little eyes God leaves behind to guard us when the sun is gone. The real beauty of the night is simply the absence of time. Time can stand still while gazing up at the sky. I always feel the deepest contentment when I look up and just know there are great things coming my way; greater than anything I could ever know or dream of. It puts my mind at peace.
Though I absolutely love the nighttime, the sun rolls around in full circle, and I know it means morning is soon to come. I know there is a new day to be lived and fulfilled to the best of my ability. The day time is just as indescribable as the nighttime. I am constantly astounded by all of the small fragments of perfection within each tiny, intricate, detail of the earth and the way the golden rays of the sun glisten and sparkle amongst the earth. Each leaf, tree branch, water ripple, and blade of grass are perfectly sculpted and shaped; every line, every detail. God is truly an artist. I just can’t even explain how nature astonishes me sometimes. I wonder if anyone views it as I do. I always wonder if everyone just walks by and takes it for granted, or if they are like me and are always in awe of the love nature can provide you even when you take a simple breath of air. Sadly, I think some people take it for granted and don’t truly appreciate it.

God knew this year was my year of growth. He knew I needed to be away from the pain and the depression in order for me to discover myself. Millersville was the only campus I was accepted to, for various reasons. The first time I came to Millersville, was on the hottest day of summer and I told myself that I wouldn’t ever come here. The only thing I knew about it was that there was a pond with swans. Though I was forced to go to Millersville, it was all part of God’s mysterious plan. The first day I came here, I met four people from UCF. At check in, I met Lindsay and Becca. Right afterwards, Kara and Todd came to help me move in. I heard there were numerous football players helping as well that day, but the people from UCF were the ones that lent me a helping hand and offered me something marvelous, but I shot it down immediately. God knew I had to grow first before I considered a huge step like that so he seemed to back off for a while. I simply wasn’t ready yet. It took me the persistence of a very special woman of God to guide me down the correct pact. I think to myself, what are the chances that Millersville was the only campus I was accepted to, the first four people I meet are all from UCF, one of them being my r.a., was placed in the same hall with, and ended up becoming my closest friend at Millersville. Little did I know that Becca, would also impact my life so drastically? She was able to sweep away 16 years of negative thoughts I had against church, organized religion, and God within less than a school year? That is not coincidence. NOTHING is coincidence. It was the hands of God. I know it. I will never question that ever.
The fact is that without the darkness, I NEVER would have been able to feel the light the way I feel it right now. It gives me such a deeper appreciation and connection with God. I always wanted to feel this deep love. I never felt it until I came here to Millersville. (I’m not saying no one loved me). What I am saying is that I never felt the strength of spiritual love and why it was so important to surround yourself with people who have similar beliefs as you. This is why organized worship is so vital to spiritual growth. I’ve never felt so loved in my entire life. I don’t even have a boyfriend. I don’t need one to feel that kind of love. I learned to seek the face of God first before every decision I make. If it is his will, that kind of love will find a way, because love is patient and kind.

I think that is what impressed me the most with myself. Through God, I took myself out of the darkness. I brought myself into the light. I chose to UCF with ONE purpose. I knew I had been missing something within myself for a VERY long time. I didn’t know what it was. I had a feeling it may be the presence of God, but that was SO entirely out of my comfort zone I wouldn’t really even consider it. I knew something had to change within me. I knew I had to give UCF a chance. How thankful I finally sucked up my pride and took that leap of faith! Through this process, not ONCE did I realize that I would gain lifelong friendships. Not once did it I do it to make more friends and become more social. I purely did it through the gut instinct in my own heart. My one purpose was God. Once I realized that I didn’t once think of any outside source besides God, I realized how truly amazing that was. I guess I was so uncomfortable with everything for so long, I wouldn’t open up to anyone because I still didn’t understand where I stood or what I believed. 
As for my plan:
The more I grow closer to God the more I understand how my life will unfold. I realize this year was truly testing me at all of my limits. After last night’s discussion with Ryan about UCF and our perspective on multiple things, he really challenged me to think about a lot of the stuff I mentioned previously. More importantly, what do I do with all of this passion now!? I was instantly confused. I gave up the r.a. application. I’m too scared to play the guitar and sing. There’s no way I can possibly lead a caregroup by myself next year. What can I do? I realize that I am a “one on one” kind of person. I truly do care about people. I want to help people and show them that God is with them and help them figure out what God is doing in their life. I want to show them that they too matter in this world. Every individual spirit and soul is set on this Earth for a purpose and not to give up hope. I want to be a person that people can confide in. I want people to know that I am standing on chair one thanking God for everything. The question is, how do I go about doing this? How do I spread my passion? How do I overcome the impossible? <- The same exact way I started coming to UCF. I need to allow myself time to grow and understand more things. I need to ease my way into tasks and carefully analyze how God is playing such a significant role in my life. It’s OKAY for me to be comfortably confused right now. I’m not supposed to have all of the answers. I just know it will take some time. Becca says she sees big things in my future. I’m really hoping she’s right about this because that’s exactly what I want. I’m just not so sure how to do it.

I have gained perspective in a different way. I think God is telling me that my passion is helping others. I mean I kind of suspected that, but I really think I need to switch to a psychology major. The reason why I won’t right away is because my mom wants to discuss it with me, but I’m honestly scared. I don’t know what I want to do with it, I just know that will help more people that way then through graphic communications?? Just a guess. I just realize that I would regret it if I didn’t stick with my love for people and helping others. I always knew my ultimate goal in life was to impact someone’s life. Change it for the good. Change it for the better. I think this would be a perfect opportunity to touch multiple lives, although all I really want is one right now. I wish I could say I’ve accomplished this, it’s something I want more than anything in this world.

I just think it would be a crime to take myself away from a gift I know I posses and I know I’m good at. I can’t help but think of the number of lives I could help if I went into psychology. I wonder how much more fulfilling life would be if I took this risk and leap of faith. I know I need to think about it, but I’m pretty sure that is the exact path I need to be headed down.

Basically, I’m starting to see the blue prints of God’s plans. The first step is realizing where I’ve come from and I am so blessed to have lived the life I have lived. I’m finally at peace with it. I know that I will be able to better understand a different perspective; people who aren’t Christians that are crying out for help. Hopefully, this can enable me to figure out how to reach out and spread the word of God and make him known to everyone who chooses to listen. It’s almost as though I went through all of the hardships in life to develop a deep loving passion that will motivate me to get off my butt and go find people to reach out to just like Becca did for me. God meant for me to walk in darkness because I will be able to easily find others in the dark, reach for them, and pull them back into the light with a better understanding then Christians who had grown up in good religious homes. The next step is to realize who I am, which after this year I defiantly have through God, many people, and myself. Who I want to become is up in the air in certain respects. I know that this semester really has prepped me to be the person I truly want to be. How I’m going to apply it, I have no idea. I’m still in the process of figuring it out. I refuse to stress over it though. It’s okay. God makes Himself known and understood in time. 
So now that I’m done looking down that mountain. I’m going to continue ahead up the next one leading me to my future. I’ll never forget that journey, but now it’s time to move on. I need to grow more before I take the next step down the steep path, but I know I will soon be ready to get to where I want to be. All in good time.

So I guess you could say, I’m finally at peace.

Sweet dreams.

I want to start off this entry by saying I’m on my knees praying for God’s strength. I am SURRENDERING to all that life can throw my way. I’m giving it ALL to HIM. I’m tired of fighting against it. It is out of my control!!! There is NO need for me to continue to torture myself over things that are simply out of my control. It makes NO SENSE!!!!! So why bother! I need to focus on spreading love instead of getting wrapped up in my own stupid problems. I NEED to make a difference. I need to FORGET my dumb insignificant every day occurrences that get to me EVERY DAY. So I’m done. Here are some lyrics.
I’m giving you my heart, and all that is within
I lay it all down for the sake of you my King
I’m giving you my dreams, I’m laying down my rights
I’m giving up my pride for the promise of new life

And I surrender all to you, all to you
And I surrender all to you, all to you

I’m singing You this song, I’m waiting at the cross
And all the world holds dear, I count it all as loss
For the sake of knowing You for the glory of Your name
To know the lasting joy, even sharing in Your pain
(Thank you Becca for this song.)

Today was pretty much equivalent to crap. Seriously. hahah. I had THREE tests today. The one I actually really chose to study for, ended up getting moved to next wednesday when I got to class!!!! I was really ticked that I wasted my night studying for something that wasn’t needed until next week, and because I didn’t have the proper medicine in me… I was not able to focus AT ALL. So that made me mad. 
Anyway, there was stuff going on here at the dorms that was getting to me as well. That really just frustrated the heck out of me. I end up stopping by Becca’s room today…and we got talking and I said that I pretty much wanted for today to be over. She stopped me right away and told me not to say that and there is good still left in the day…blah blah.. I was like okay Becca yeah rite what ev. ….Even though we PRETTY much feel asleep in mid conversation and napped for two hours( <–lol) This had to possibly be one of the funnies moments of my life. I woke up feeling a lot better, which is always a plus. (btw, I’m never able to nap just for the record).
I ended up going to outlet and what not and after we got done singing… I prayed, but then after that I got to thinking about LOADS of other stuff that was being repressed in my unconscious mind (<–I was SO ready for that psych test today haha). Newho, one thing led to another, I kept thinking about the past, present, and future started to really get to me and I actually really started getting upset to the point that I was in tears. 
This was the EXACT moment Amanda Bartholomew came up to me and asked how I was doing. I told her I was having a lot of trouble letting go of basically everything in my life. It’s funny how well she knows me, without knowing me. Ever since we messaged each other a few times on facebook, we’ve been talking ever since… and how BLESSED am I (<–that is an understatement) to suddenly find people like her, especially her, in my life. I know it’s God. There is no other way I could have met all of these amazing people because we are all united and connected through one love, one purpose, and that is to serve him and spread his love. I really am so lucky to have found people like this. Anyway, she ended up asking me if she could pray for me. Everything she said that I was feeling was dead on. It was totally insane. Parts of her prayer really touched me. She asked God to give me strength and continue to work through me and continue to touch many people’s lives. She thanked him for giving the ability to brightening up any room that I walk into by simply being myself. These words are so powerful and meant so much to me. You never know how much of a difference you are making, even with just the little stuff, until you hear an outsider’s perceptive. She also asked God to see me through my difficulties and allow me to let go of everything that has been troubling me that I’m unable to let go. She asked Him to be with me and not make it be a scary thing for me, but instead be able to let it go through Him and be able to find happiness and relief from letting go of it…. I came back to Gaige with nothing but a smile on my face. Seriously. How blessed am I?
Speaking of the walk back to Gaige, I actually had a nice little chat with Lindsay. I kind of told her how I was unable to let go of things. We didn’t really go into detail, but she made and EXCELLENT point about how maybe I’m unable to let go because It’s my security blanket. At first I disagreed, but the more and more I thought about it, the more I realized she was exactly right. Go figure. We also ended up talking about another issue that has been on my mind. I basically told her I stopped looking for love because I basically don’t need it and I’m too independent anyway. Even when I try to look for something, I end up hurting the other person. Linds made a great point by telling me that it was okay that I was protecting my heart the way that I do. She said that I was keeping my heart pure for my future husband one day. I’ve been punching away things that aren’t meant to be, things that may hurt me in the long run, and having a pure heart is the best gift that I could really give my future husband. What a smart gal. for serious.
So I once again found myself in Becca’s room. She made me listen to this sermon, and for ONCE I was able to make sense of why I was so resentful to my mother this past year. Basically, my mom has been making Tim her top priority. I am her own flesh and blood, I should be number one on her list. Why aren’t I anymore? I realized that having him be the top priority is the way that it should be. I was so used to being number one because I was her best friend. That may have been part of the reason why the marriage didn’t work out. It could have very well been the reason why my parent’s marriage didn’t work out, because they come first before EVERYTHING else. Because that example wasn’t set, I didn’t understand why I could feel so rejected by my mother. It just would scare me how good of a guy I was seeing that Tim was. I hate thinking to myself that he is genuinly a good guy. My dad could learn loads from him. But I LOVE my dad, for as much as he makes me angry. I want HIM to be number one in my life. I’m feeling like Time is REPLACING him and that SCARES the complete CRAP out of me. So I don’t let Tim in to protect my own heart. What if it doesn’t work out with him and my mom. What will happen then? I’ll be left abandoned again. By a male of course. Honestly, I don’t want to have anything to do with his children at the moment. That is pushing it too far. I can’t help but think to myself they too are children of God. I should love them the same as anyone else, for they are all individual people with a specific person on this planet. I can’t just pick and choose who I WANT to love. I must love EVERYONE. It doesn’t matter who they are, what they have done, or even where they’ve come from. WE ARE ALL CHILDREN OF GOD! LOVE EVERYONE! I am POSITIVE I can come over all of this now. I know through GOD I can. This is the answer I’ve been WAITING FOR. IT TOOK ME YEARS, but here I am. Here I am. I’m FINALLY seeing the end of a VERY VERY DARK TUNNEL. It is such a relief. It’s a good feeling. It really is. But I’m still scared. So scared.

But through God I CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS.

I’m TIRED of rambling.

The subject of my livejournal was inspired by a song by Switchfoot, Dare You To Move. It is totally and completely relevant to how I am feeling; let me elaborate.
I can’t help but feel aggravated at the fact that life isn’t more like the retreat I just went on. Why couldn’t we stay at the retreat forever? We are able to celebrate and be thankful for what God has given us and want to sing praise every second of the day. We have all the time in the world to explore and appreciate life in its entirety. We’re not caught up in the hustle and bustle of everyday life. You can’t help but love all of the people you are surrounded by, with all of your heart. You have all come together for the same exact purpose. This is the time when I organize what I’m thinking and put it into perfect perspective. It’s almost as though the spiritual connection with God is like sunshine at noon. It’s directly above you and shinning down and you can bask in in the glory of God. You can close your eyes and feel the inner most peace and contentment. Nothing in the world could be greater than that very moment and life couldn’t get anymore beautiful. 

It’s so hard to do back at school. It feels as though the sun gets covered by the clouds and I feel as though I’m squinting to see it once again. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still able to see it and feel it even if it doesn’t seem to be there, but I can’t help but get frustrated at the fact of how corrupted the world can be and why clouds constantly cover the image of God.  At the retreat, the world slowed down and nothing could go wrong. I miss that. I want that back. I’m angry at the fact that we’re thrown back into a world that is nothing like it should be.

So, Welcome to the Planet. Welcome to EXISTENCE. This is when I realized that God did this ALL on purpose. Life here on Earth is nothing like what we will find in Heaven. Heaven is ten times more beautiful and lovely than Earth will ever be. God is daring US to move. He dares us to let him work through us to reach out to other people. He gives us these great opportunities such as retreats to let us feel a glimpse of heaven, but yet here I am being selfish being frustrated by wanting it back. How extremely selfish is that? I should be grateful, which I am, but ONLY grateful and appreciative. He throws us back out into the world to grow tougher skin, face persecution, test our deepest inner strength, but most importantly to spread Gods love to the world with PASSION! He wants us to spread it to others who have difficulties, who don’t believe in the Lord, or who have lost FAITH all together. So I must have faith in myself. I need to spend more time finding Him like I did at the retreat. I need him to continually move through me so I am able to grow as a christian and let him reach others through me.
If I EVER want to be standing on top of “chair one” singing and praising God, I need to love wholeheartedly without doubting myself. I know I am up to the task, I just have to BELIVE it. I need to have faith not only in me but in GOD! Through this I will be at peace. I will find a piece of mind. I need to rejoice in excitement, not sorrow! Through this, I will feel closer to home.

 
So through this. Welcome to the Planet! Welcome to Existence! Everyone’s here. Everybody’s watching you now. Everybody Waits for you now. What happens next? I DARE you to MOVE, I DARE you to LIFT YOURSELF UP OFF THE FLOOR. I dare you to move, like today never happened before! Welcome to the fallout. Welcome to RESISTANCE. The tension is here, between WHO YOU ARE and who you COULD BE. Between how it is and HOW IT SHOULD BE. Maybe REDEMPTION has STORIES to tell. Maybe FORGIVENESS is right where you FELL. Where can you run to ESCAPE from YOURSELF? Where you gonna go? SALVATION is HERE. I dare you to move. I dare you to move. I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor. I dare you to move like today never happened before…

The whole school went on lock down. It was crazy. We were all locked inside our buildings and were told to lock our doors if we were in our dorm rooms. They did end up finding the kid in the library after some smart kids used facebook to figure out what he looked like and where he was. I kinda like to call them the heros of the day. No teacher would think of that, which is why facebook is so resourceful. 
It’s scary to think of the seriousness behind that matter. I mean, we had threats in our high school before, but no one actually took them seriously. When you’re at college you can’t help but think of incidents such as Virginia Tech and think to yourself, “Wow, this could happen to me too..” I think that is what made me the most frightened about this situation; the reality behind it all. The fact that some kid at outlet last night basically freaked out about how we need to be praying for the Millersville campus instead of ourselves or within ourselves really hit me the hardest. The fact that we said a prayer for the campus the night before, and before I went to sleep amazed me. Becca made a very good point by saying that Satan would do anything in his power to tear apart a place where there is a strong presence of faith for God. The funny thing is, I would have never believed her a few months ago, but it makes the most perfect sense! After the retreat we were glowing with faith and love for God and for others. I know I still feel that that way even after the incident. We felt like we had the whole world at our feet, and nothing could go wrong. It only made sense that something that severe would happen when it did, but God answered our prayers and protected our campus wholeheartedly.
Even though this was scary indeed, the day was actually filled with fun and excitement. Becca and I were basically trapped in my room from like 11 (even though it started around 10) until 1:00. We talked about some random stuff such as how odd the sequence of events fell into place. We were going to watch a movie, but we ended up listening to music instead and singing. Then the lock down was lifted and Becca was off to class. Except ten minutes later I get a call from her asking if I was brave enough to come outside and get lunch, so I did. We sat in Lyle for a long time. We were there so long that everyone had left the dining hall. We talked about a bunch of important things though. I got some things off my mind that I needed to. We talked about my possible majors, and basically parts of my life story, such as what jobs I thought I wanted to do when I was younger. We also discussed how weird it was how we both got placed in the same school, dorm, hallway, etc. It was an excellent talk. Probably one of the best that I’ve had in a long time, (besides Sunday). 
Anyway so we walked back to Gaige and we ended up taking forever to pick a movie. Then we decided to watch Stomp the Yard. Amazing. We absolutely loved the guys that were in the movie. Then Kara comes knocking on my door. What a pleasant Surprise! We all end up watching the end of the movie together. After it was over Becca had to get ready for African Drum and Dance. I played some gangsta music and we danced a bit. I ended up taking a crazy picture of the two of them before they left. (I’ll try to insert it if i can get it to be right side up)

So then Sable came back and we watched the show, Just for Laughs. It is seriously one of the funniest shows ever. Sandy ended up calling her. What a treat. Sable is hysterical when she talks to her. I hear a phone ring knowing it wasn’t Sable’s phone or my phone. Miss Becca left her phone in our room. So I wrote her a note saying, that we have her phone held hostage and she cannot get it back until she performs the following tasks. I gave her about ten. It was very amusing. After that I attempt to work on her Birthday present a bit, but she comes back in the room to mooch some food off of us. It was a good time.
Sable had a sudden inspiration to want to take a walk, but Becca bailed. I made her feel so bad about it, but it was all in good fun. I actually was glad she didn’t come because we came up with Birthday plans for her.
. It was a lot of fun thinking of creative things as well!! All in all it was a good night.
Sable and I ended up sneaking into Stephs room afterwards and waiting in there to scare her, which we did. We shared about our day and Sable went to bed. I stayed up till 2:30 working on a present, and then went to bed.